It’s not about the brains anymore.
The moment you passed the UPCAT, you’ve already proven your IQ. You have it in you, you are bound to survive the academic work in the university. But what makes college so difficult when you only have 3-4 subjects a day and you technically have all the free time in the world?
College is when you suddenly realize how unfair life is and when you’re suddenly aware of all the wrongs in the world. College is when you start to question who you really are and when you start to challenge everything – from societal norms to the powers of people around you. College is when you just try to survive one day at a time because even sometimes waking up in the morning becomes a struggle.
This is the time when you find yourself talking to the mirror, telling yourself to keep it together because this is not just about you. This is about your family, your friends, the people you meet every day, and everything else in between. It gets overwhelming.
Because it is.
There are times when you feel nothing anymore – when you just want to cover yourself with blankets and sleep, hoping the mess will be over by when you wake up. You grab every opportunity to escape, but they’re never enough because they’re temporary.
Graduation becomes the destination and you don’t care about the journey anymore as long as you get there. Because it’s supposed to be the most important thing –
-according to who?
I’ve come to that point when I’ve realized that I matter here. I didn’t study to “just be done with it” – I study because I want to learn. The love for learning is something innate to me, and watching myself lose that kills me.
I see myself every day, finishing requirements just to pass. It’s not me – it’s someone who looks at the numerical values called grades and lets them define her and what she’s been through.
I’ve had enough. I’m tired of just existing within the halls of the buildings I have classes in. I want to live.
Tears are falling from my eyes as I type these words because I’ve wasted so much time. I wish I’ve admitted all of these things to myself sooner. I wish I took this class earlier and had this blog project when I began fighting my inner battles. Because I could have done so much more, I could have spent the past two years better. But all the could haves, would haves, should haves, and every ounce of regret in my heart won’t turn back time.
I only have these words. Battle cries screaming YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. HOPE IS NEVER LOST.
You can’t win this war if you go against what keeps you breathing. Whether it’s the stroke of a paintbrush, a tune from the piano, snapshots from your camera, or the ultra-messy outline for your next short story, own your weapon and hold it close to your heart.
Most of the time, we are blinded by the destination that we forget about the journey – the part that takes up the most space in this book we call life. UP taught me that. It probably won’t raise my GWA, but it’s more important than anything else I’ve learned in the university.
It’s not about the brains anymore. Inner battles test so much more than that.
I am waking up every day telling myself that I am never letting go of what keeps me alive.